How to Lead a Healthy Life when you don't feel Supported by your Partner. Podcast Episode

Here's the truth, it's way easier to make healthy changes and stick to them if you're surrounded by people who are supporting you.

So what can you do when you don't feel supported by your partner?

Before you give up, listen to today's podcast to find out how you can make healthy changes and stick to them even when your partner wants to carry on with their less than healthy habits.

Transcription of Podcast

Please note this transcription is generated by software. There may be some errors. I hope you find it useful.

Hello. Hello. Hello, and welcome to fit and fabulous with me, Dr Orlena Kerek. I hope that you are feeling amazing.

Looking forward to Seeing my Sister

I am super excited today because as I recorded this tomorrow, I am going France. I live in Spain. My mom lives in France. So it's about a three, four hour drive away and my sister is going to be there and I have not seen my sister in two years.

Thanks to COVID. So I'm super excited. I'm going to see my sister, my brother-in-law, my niece and nephew. And it's going to be a really short trip, but two weeks ago I knew nothing about it. So a super, super gift. And I'm, as I say, super excited. Okay.

Wishing Terri A Speedy Recovery

This podcast is dedicated to Terri. So Terri, thank you for your questions, which I will read out in just a minute.

And I know that you are having an operation. So as I record it, you haven't had it for your operation, but as this goes live, I think you will perhaps have already had it. And I hope it went. I'm sending you lots of recovery wishes. So here is the question

How to stay on Track when your Partner isn't on Board or constantly brings your Trouble Foods Home.

And another question is why is it that I can eat clean for a few days and lose no weight and conversely have not the best eating habits and not gain. And it seems pointless to try sometimes. So actually there's a two separate questions and two reasonably large topics. So we're going to start with the first.

Which is having support, essentially, this essentially boils down to having support around you. Now this brings up so many questions.

Surround Yourself with People Who Support You

And the first question is this, all the people in your life generally support. Now, I know we can't always change the people in our life, but we can change the people in our life a little bit.

You know, I'm not talking about making major changes, but if you find that you have friends who are not supporting you and not helping you with your goals, then there is an argument to say, well, I'm going to look at that friendship and see really is this, you know, a friendship that is benefiting me or is this a friendship that is sucking my energy?

I'm not saying that that is the case in this case, it is just something to be aware of that really, we want to surround ourselves with people who have our best interests at heart and who want to support us. And actually on a side note, there is so much information about, you know, when you want to make changes.

Remember to Watch the Life Changing Video

Get the support that you want now on a side note, have you been and watched my video yet? It is called five mindset shifts that I use with my clients to help them get a good relationship with food and lose 10 to 50 pounds and lead a life full of energy. And Terry, I know that you have watched it and oh my goodness.

You've had so many takeaways. I asked what your takeaway was and you listed about five different things. And one, I'm going to give you a little. Spoiler, but one of the things is really about getting the support that you need. And there is so much evidence to show that it's really difficult to make changes when you don't get the support that you need.

Sign up for the video here: https://www.drorlena.com/eliminate-emotional-eating-training 

It’s Much Easier to Make Consistent Changes with the Support You Deserve

And conversely, it is super easy to make changes when you do get the support you need. And why is that? Well, it all comes back to that rickety bridge that I am constantly talking. So you're standing here at place a and you want to get to place B and w what's bridging the two, the rickety bridge, because what you're trying to do is create healthy habits and habits of things that we do without thinking about them.

Life Always Happens. There are Always Obstacles

We just do them naturally. Unfortunately, what happens is life life happens and when life happens, We go back to our old habits because the habits that you think you have or what I call acorn habits and not big fat Oak tree habits, they aren't really established habits. They are habits that you are trying to establish.

And so when life happens, they go out the window and you go back to where you were before. Now there are lots of problems with this number one being, oh my goodness. You take a huge, great mind set shift. What's the word I'm looking for, ding, and it really damages your mindset. So when you first start out on your journey, you're thinking, yep.

Your Brain Likes to Make Obstacles Bigger than they are!

I can do this. I can make changes, hurrah, hurrah, hurrah, and then you try them, you in your mind fail. And at that stage, after you've done that several times, you're thinking, Hey, nothing works for me. There's something wrong with me. I just, I just can't do this. And that thought is so damaged. And it's not true.

We talked about the ways we think about things. So go back and check that episode, which is why your brain is wrong about making healthy changes, because it's trying to protect you, but it tells you these sort of different. What I call incorrect thoughts, and this is one of them. So what I say is you are a human mind with a human body and yes, you can make changes except you just have to keep going.

And that's the problem. Your brain is telling you now it's not working. So you give it all up. So you're in this place where your mindset is essentially broken and worse on top of that, what happens to some people? Not all of them. It depends how far you've got with your journey and what's happened. But what happens to some people is they start.

Podcast Episode "Why Your Brain is Wrong About How to Get to Healthy You": https://www.drorlena.com/blog/why-your-brain-is-wrong-about-how-to-get-to-healthy-you-podcast-episode-164 

And they start losing weight and they do really well. And what happens is they're actually losing muscle mass. They may lose some fat, but they will also lose some of their muscle mass. Particularly if you're not moving enough during the day. So some of that weight that you lose is actually muscle bulk.

When you Give Up, You Go Backwards

And the problem with that is when you then put the weight back on what you're actually putting on is fat. And so then you find yourself in a worse situation, you've got less muscle mass and you've got more fat as a ratio. And that is not a great place to be. You've kind of gone backwards and now you're thinking nothing works.

Getting Good Support Can be the Difference Between Success and Not Making Any Changes

So you can see how, if you don't get the support you need it can be a disaster.

Now, conversely, if you do get the support you need, it's so easy. Like, I look at the people in my, my group program and yeah, they have times when things aren't going great, but then they come and have a session and they're like, yep, I'm back on track. I'm doing this. So it's not all peaches and cream.

It's not like, Hey, this is easy, easy, easy at times it's easy and they're loving it and it's great. But life happens for them too. Except the differences they have the support they need. So they turn up, they carry on making those changes. So getting the support you need is super, super, super important. And it's really the difference between success and continuing, I'm going to say failure. Okay. So support is really, really important.

Normally Your Friends and Family Want to Support You. They Don’t Mean to Make it More Difficult

Now let's go back and have a think about your friends and family. And the reality is, is that most people want to support you. And I think it's really important to, to remember that most people are saying, yep, I'm trying to support you.

And if you remember that, When they do these things, which you perceive as being unhelpful, they're really doing it from a place of love. It may be misguided love, but they're not trying to scupper you.

Tell them What Your Goals Are and Why Healthy Living is Important to You

So what the first thing you can do is have a conversation with them and say, Hey, do you know what? This is my goal.

This is my priority. Right now, I'm trying to do this thing. And. I would really like some support. And that for me, looks like this. So please, on Friday evening, don't offer me pizza. Don't offer me a glass of wine. Please help me with this decision of, I don't want to eat this way, or I want to eat this way.

Often Other People Are Stuck in their Own Habits

And a lot of people will support you now, what happens to most people? Is that they are busy doing whatever their habits are. So they are carrying on this behavior because that's the normal way. And sometimes on top of that, people are looking for you to join in. So Friday evening, I want somebody else to be drinking beer with me because it justifies my behavior.

Other People Doing the Same as Us Makes Us Feel Better About Our Behaviour

We like to get affirmation from people around us. I'll tell you a really ridiculous story. A few years ago, this was say five years ago. I took my kids to a pantomime at the local theater. And I'd never been to this theater before. So we queued up outside the store and I was thinking, oh my goodness, it doesn't really feel like there's many people.

I think they should be letting us in by now, but there were other people standing there and we all were chatting to each other. In fact, I live in Spain. There was some English people there. We were chatting and getting to know each other. And eventually we're all sort of looking around going, oh my goodness.

It really is time for this thing to start. And so we knocked on the door and it turned out that we wouldn't have the back door. We just didn't realize. And the theater was entirely entirely full and we just hadn't realized what was going on. There was that we look at other people around us and go. Oh, well, other people are doing the same.

So that justifies my behavior of staying here. Now with nobody had been there. I suspect I would have walked around and gone and found the entrance, but I'm lulled into this sense of full security by the fact that there are people doing the same action as me and that is human nature. We like other people to be doing what we're doing.

It’s Possible for Other People to Enjoy Their Treats without You Joining In. You Just Need to Plan in Advance

It makes us feel better about what we're doing. So that is often what is going on. Now, let me give you an example of my home life. My husband likes to have a beer on Friday night and we do January. It's the end of February. So I record this. So we do dry January and he's perfectly happy to do that. My birthday's at the beginning of February.

So then we might have a glass of wine or something, and then he will go and buy beer or wine or whatever it is he wants to drink. And we don't drink heaps, but I'm quite happy not to drink it, but if I'm not drinking it, I won't go and buy it. And I kind of. A lot, like not to have the alcohol in the house, because it's just easier for me when that time, when I'm tempted to go, oh yeah, I'll have a glass of wine or a glass of beer.

So he will often have a glass of beer on Friday evening and I will then join in. Now I do make that decision when I join him. But quite often I'm thinking I'd quite happily not do that. So it's a really good example of, yeah, it's just, he'd be happy to drink without me to be perfectly. Of me in this exact situation going yep.

Someone else's kind of, scuppering my intentions. Now, going back to. The other person and thinking when they are happy, making that decisions quite often, they don't try and coerce you into doing something. So I go to my mom's house in France. And if I were to say to her, well, obviously wine people drink wine in France.

Hey mum, I'm trying hard not to drink wine, please. Can you not offer me any wine? She would happily not offer wine because she. Totally happy in her choice to drink wine. And she sometimes doesn't drink wine. But my point is when people are feeling a little bit insecure and they want that additional affirmation, what they're really doing is asking you to help them feel better about their choices.

Now, this isn't always the case. Like you need to do a little bit of investigating and work out what's going on for you. So basically it could just be the just carrying on with their own habits. It could be that they're looking for justification of their own actions. It could be, they just want some company in doing that.

Like having a beer with somebody else feels better. Actually, if they're happy drinking beer, they really don't need somebody else to help them drink that beer. It is perfectly fine for somebody to drink beer or eat cake or whatever it is without somebody else joining it. So, what do you do about this number one, have that conversation now you can't change people unless they want to be changed.

So if they're saying, Hey, this is what I do. I come home on Friday night and I have pizza and you can take it or leave it. But the mere fact that I've got it in the house isn't helping. That's fine. That is your choice. And you just have to get those tools that are going to help you navigate that experience.

Get the Support You Deserve. Your Health is Worth It!

So that comes down to making sure that you have got support. Like you don't have to have the support of your family, but you do have to have support in someplace. And, you know, I invite you to go and watch that video.

Would you Like to Chat with Me, Dr Orlena?

I invite you to book a chat with me if you're looking for support, but you do need to have support somewhere if you're going to be making these changes.

So I think it's really about understanding where they're coming from. Chatting to them and then making your own plan and not having any expectations of them. They are busy doing their thing, and yes, you can ask them for support, but they may not give it to you and that's fine. You can still make these changes.

Okay. So I hope that answers the question of what do you do when your partner isn't on board. And the other thing I would say for that is if they're not on board, then be a shining example. Because one of the amazing things is as we make these changes and we feel better about ourselves and we have more energy and we get other tools, which help us really navigate life.

Other people look and say, yeah, I notice changes. So many of the women in my group program say, yeah, do you know what my win this week was that somebody else said to me, oh, you're looking amazing. Or I've really noticed this about. And that is inspiring other people to make changes because if one person can do it, somebody else can do it.

If you can do it, somebody else can do it. And it's a really good way. Like if you got family around you, I'm a mother of four. How do I teach my children to eat healthily and lead a healthy life? I demonstrate doing it. And that is the best way that we can teach them. And people around us. So just get on with leading your most healthy life and your kids will follow.

Podcast Episode: When's the Best Time to Make Healthy Changes: https://www.drorlena.com/blog/when-s-the-best-time-to-make-healthy-changes-podcast-164 

Why Can I Do Clean Eating for a Few Days and Not Lose Weight?

Okay. So now the second question that you had is why is it that I can do clean eating for a few days and lose no weight and conversely have not the best eating and not gained. And it seems pointless to try sometimes. Okay. I just want to tell you a story about one of the ladies in my group program. Who has been in the group program since it's now February, she's been in the group program since September and we've had Christmas and she lost a little bit of weight.

Often You Don’t See Instant Weight Change

And then after Christmas, she plateaued and while she was plateauing, she was saying, oh my goodness, it feels like none of this is working. It feels like none of this is working. She kept going. She kept going, you know, we chatted about things, how to change things for her. And now she has got down to a normal BMI.

She's looking back and going, oh wow. I have lost. I think she said 10 pounds since September. It's amazing. Now, whilst you're going through that journey, it's not a day by day journey. It's more like a month journey. You don't look back and go, okay. Today I have lost this much weight tomorrow. I've put it back on.

Like, it's not like that. You have to look at it. You have to take a step back and look at it at a much, much bigger picture. And so when you do look at it like that, okay, I've done clean eating for two days. Nothing's happened? No. While your body just adjusts, you don't notice those changes so frequently.

Now some people love to weigh themselves daily. Personally, I don't recommend it. I think focus on what you can change, which is how you eat, how you exercise, how you turn up, you cannot control that number. What you can control is what you do. And you keep focusing on the things that you can do. And. That number will change.

If you keep going, keep doing the same things, have the support you need. It will change. Okay. I hope that was useful. Seriously, go and watch the video. If you haven't watched the video, go and watch the video. And if you would like to chat to me, I am here to chat to you and I will leave a link in the show notes so that you can chat.

Have a fabulous day. Bye bye.

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Written By Dr Orlena

Dr Orlena Kerek (MBChB from the University of Bristol, UK) trained as a pediatric doctor. She is now a family health coach. She helps busy mums who want to feel amazing by eating healthy food, enjoy a healthy life, get back into their honeymoon shorts and teach their kids healthy habits all without thinking about it.

Want support and help in your weight loss journey?

Book a chat with Dr Orlena: https://bookme.name/drorlena/emotional-eating